They are not going to wear them again. They will not shorten them, they will not remove the sash or the sleeves or the straps, or God forbid, the hoop skirt, and wear them again.

I had previously written a preemptive boycott on the movie "27 Dresses". I finally watched "27 Dresses", this past weekend, and would like to retract my earlier shunning.

I really liked it! It was not a Meh Romantic Comedy. There was no cheesy Motown-fueled car/moped chase. And the sing-a-long I was so worried about involved excessive inebriation and "Benny and the Jets". I, too, always thought Elton John was singing about "electric boobs and mohair shoes". Are those not the right words?

Katherine Heigl did not, to my knowledge, have to wear mohair shoes, but she did have to wear 27 dizzyingly awful bridesmaid dresses. Unfortunately, sometimes life imitates art, so let us review things the bride should not make her bridesmaids wear.

Shiny & Puffy. And teal.

You've all seen it, and many of you have worn variations of hideousness, in the name of friendship. You will be rewarded for this.

Bride: you will always be the most beautiful, ethereal creature on your wedding day. Always. And no amount of horrible chintz or lumpy satin surrounding you will make you glow any brighter.

If you make your bridesmaids wear unflattering dresses, they won't feel pretty. And if they don't feel pretty, they won't feel like socializing. Or if they are socializing, they're also, no doubt, muttering under their collective breath, and scowling, and plotting revenge, and that stuff will just really show up in the wedding photos.

"But it will look nice for the pictures" is not enough of a reason to make your close friends and relatives miserable. A number of more forward-thinking brides have been more generous in the bridesmaid-ensemble selections. They choose a color, or a color family, and say "Get something that matches this, that you like".

And it looks lovely!

Or they select the specific fabric, and allow each bridesmaid to choose a dress-style that she is comfortable with.

Yes, it's your day. And don't you want it to be a spectacularly happy one? Filled with love and smiles, and warm fuzzies, and possibly white kittens? But we can discuss the wedding processional later.